Today's insight

SPRAGGETT ON CHESS

''To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.''-Bruce Lee

''If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.''-Margaret Thatcher

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” Having never seen an elevator, the father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching, wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the walls light up.They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father excitedly said to his son, “Go get your mother!”
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''I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.''-Gandhi

You gotta watch your peaches at all times

''Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.''-Napoleon

''The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.''-Hitler

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum (ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF RETIRED PERSONS)

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these. (thx Sue!)
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''Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives, I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.''-Churchill

''Do you want to spank me?''

He said ''Pose and look natural'' Dummy!

''What is this? No kiss first?''

A lot of bull; and its not the Prez' letter!

My favourite team in the whole world!

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying and says to her husband, "That is so horrible." Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, sobbing softly, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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Thx, rootsgpk!